Where’s a Rocket when you need one?

I attended a training session the other day.

Going around the room clockwise, we had to announce our names and say a little about ourselves.

When it got to my turn I said:

I am Groot.

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Business Speak 3 – what a load of mallards

He said ‘To be fair…’ before everything (yet had brown hair?)
He and his colleagues were all manicured, swathed in the same homogenised pungent bodyspray.
They called each other gents (even the women.)
They swing their arms like orang-utans when they walk and this is what they said…

‘Can we have an impact response to that?’
‘Who’s core responsibility is driving that?’
‘What’s the KPI on the PPE?’
‘I may be going back twenty years, but can’t we just email them?’
‘It was two point two five, then it was two point thirdy then it was two point three five.’
‘Look. Listen.’
It was very important for this particular ‘gent’ to have all of his ducks in a row. Why did he have ducks? Why did he want them lined up? Is this hard for ducks because of the waddle factor?

To be fair, I am really not that bothered. I wonder if he talks like that at the weekend?
Rant over – going to get on with enjoying this glorious weekend.

Business Speak 2 – more gobbledygook from the world of morons

I have had a few more business speak classics thrown my way by friends and fellow bloggers. I might start a collection. Might even rebrand my blog (whatever the f@&k rebrand means?!)

Here they are. All real. All examples of the kind of gimp faced twattery the worst of us are capable of. It makes me shudder.
And why not send me some of your personal faves? I’ll post them next time round.

Boss to female colleague at bar-
‘…don’t be afraid to use all your weapons. They are yours and the customer does not know you have them.’
(It’s amazing that a pair of brogues, a yellow jumper draped over the shoulders and a senior job title can still do little to cloak the fact that he was an utter stale cod smelling smear of a man.)

‘I consciously examine my own hypotheses.’
(It’s a shame you don’t go and subconsciously throw yourself off a cliff.)

‘I will wear a ‘quality hat’ every day.’
(And substandard shoes?)

‘I track targets with a wide lens.’
(And look for my brain cells with a telephoto.)

‘I am forensic in producing data.’
(They call me the Quincy of the business world.)

I have similar feelings towards people who ‘roll’ things out.
That’s fine if it’s a ball, marbles, new carpet or dough…but ideas are not always spherical.
Bollocks are.
(Well kind of)

That is my weekend rant over.
Add to it if you like, if not, thanks for dropping by.