Antisocial media

I am thinking of launching five new anti-social media sites:

Get outta my fucking face-book.

A kick in the googles.

Twatter.

Fistagram.

Word-depress.

 

I may hold out before trying to patent any of them.

 

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Movie Quotes butchered by kids Quiz

Click here to run show

 

Here’s a short film I have stitched together of my daughter and two niece’s reinterpreting famous lines from famous films.

Check it out, have a laugh and see how many you can get right.

Please feel free to share, the lil uns would love to go viral.

Enjoy

 

How not to launch your book on Amazon…

A good way to launch a book is to take it squarely by one of it’s corners and fling it as far as you can.

lilo

E-books are more traumatic to launch, as I have recently discovered, having published my first book, ‘Blood On Borrowed Wings’ on Amazon last week.

So, for all the friends who have asked me how it is going, and to all the first time writers / publishers of hidden gems, to you steadfast bright-eyed Bloggers – here’s a guide on how it went.

  1. Social media is only as good as the friends you have on it. Do not think that because you have spent six years of your life crafting a masterpiece of storytelling that could be lighting up Hollywood as soon as THAT producer gives you THAT call … do not think, for one minute, that it is anything more remarkable than anything else appearing on Facebook. It is no more significant than someone’s kid smashing pureed fruit into it’s face. It’s no more precious than a digital witty postcard telling you why women like gin, men like tits and everyone loves retro and vintage and beards. it is just another event on the screaming scrolling wall of shite, and by many it will be ignored or forgotten (not that I am bitter. Ha Ha)
  2. The support you get through social media is invaluable in selling and getting a buzz going around your book. I am lucky enough to have some great friends who have shared links, bought copies, left reviews and…well…just even taken the time to read what I have posted. The success I have had thus far is because of them. The limited nature of my success is of my own making – I do not use Facebook, have never twatted a tweet in my life and thought a Blog was somewhere people went to defecate (turns out I was right.)
  3. Every sale is celebrated. For me, the important thing was finishing my novel and making it as good as it good be. But once it was published I started to care about if people were reading it. Buying it. Burning it. Liking it. It is nothing to do with money or pride. It is to do with having created a living entity, a personal one at that, and releasing it into the wild to fend for itself. Of course I am going to want to know how it is doing.
  4. However good your book is (and of course, I kind of like mine) the sales are going to look something like this.
  5. business-graph-downward-trend-1
  6. This could be for many reasons, but I have highlighted the main ones here:
  7. I do not know how to number lists correctly.
  8. I do not know how to market my blog or book or self correctly.
  9. I do not know how Amazon works.
  10. I do not know how graphs work.
  11. The book is toilet.

7a) I do not know how to number lists correctly.

  1. And no matter how I look I cannot find a blogger to review my book who does not have a back catalogue occupying them until the next millennia…(but I know you are out there … and I will find you … I will … Bwah ha ha! > evil laugh.)
  2. So if you are a book reviewer who wants to read something by a genuine trier (I’ve looked, that is a word!) check out my book blurb via the link on this blog and get in touch if the mood takes you. A free copy awaits.
  3. If you are a fellow author about to launch a book – take heed. Social media, networking and shares, links and blogs are how you will help people find out about your book. It might matter how good it is, but equally as important is the quality of promoting and marketing you can do. This is the yin and yang of self-publishing. Quality writing and quality promoting. Well, to paraphrase Meatloaf … one out of two aint bad.

 

A big thank you to all of my friends and family who have helped me launch my book. Thank you for taking the time to help and for believing in me and what I have written. Now get back to posts about why dung beetles are like men. Who knows? There might even be a list of something somewhere for you to read.

 

 

 

The clique of geek – Science-fiction

Do you have to be a geek to enjoy science fiction?

Is there a stigma to the genre?
Is the news right? Is the geek economy in turmoil (at least I think that’s what the newsreader said?)

My hair is neither lank or dyed black, I even wash occasionally – yet I have chosen to write a science fiction book.
Why?

Simple.

It chose me.
The story and characters emerged and told me where they needed to live, and when.
They told me to forget any illusions of literary credit or note, credibility or ease of marketing. They flew me to a saturated market and kicked me out of the zeppelin.

In short, they screwed me over.

I have exacted my revenge by putting them all through the wringer, I’ve killed a few of them off. Maimed them. Dangled a love interest to get their hopes up, then dashed them on the rocks of hubris.
(And let me tell you, dangling a love interest can often get you into trouble!)

With them all put to rights, I am hoping to soon stop cringing when I talk of the genre of my book. To quell any embarrassment or misplaced concern…and if I can’t?

Well I can always hop into a time machine, onto a dinosaur, into a black hole or bestride a BMX with a hoodie wearing telephone addict and escape.

I mean any escape is good, right?

Mothercluckers! (Of chickens and eggs.)

Can you help solve this child’s conundrum?

My daughter (Matilda, who is 5) was playing a sequencing app on her tablet.

You know the kind, the first picture was of a baby, the second a child, the third of an adult and my daughter easily placed them in order.

The next was a triangle, square and pentagon – a little more difficult, but I got there eventually.

The third one bemused me. Truly.
It was of an egg, a chick and a chicken!!!

I mean…..c’mon! Like a five year old can solve a riddle that has puzzled the human race since before sun dials began!

Surefootedly (or surefingeredly?) she tapped in her best guess. Egg. Chick. Chicken…Hmmm, I’m not so sure…