Antisocial media

I am thinking of launching five new anti-social media sites:

Get outta my fucking face-book.

A kick in the googles.





I may hold out before trying to patent any of them.



Movie Quotes butchered by kids Quiz

Click here to run show


Here’s a short film I have stitched together of my daughter and two niece’s reinterpreting famous lines from famous films.

Check it out, have a laugh and see how many you can get right.

Please feel free to share, the lil uns would love to go viral.



Swash mi Buckles. Garrrrrrrrrrrr!

Hmmm. Garrr.

My daughter dressed up for her school ‘pirate’ day.
We have had environment (green) day and sports day, which I both fully endorse…but..


Why? What will this teach her?
That pillaging and plundering for a living is good?
That yo ho ho is the proper way to laugh?
What the word ‘skulduggery’ means.
That pantaloons are making a comeback?
That ransacking and looting is a genuine career choice?
That having an eye or leg missing is no bad thing?
That crocodiles tick?
That Captain Phillips had it all wrong?
That having parrots stapled to your shoulder is a good idea (beautiful plumage the Norweigan Blue)
Who needs milk when you can have rum?
That timbers shiver?
That lubbing land is bad?

How is this improving her education? Are pirates good role models? I mean they never have them dressing up as say a bureaucrat, or theatre critic or TV chef or politician…. actually, come to think of it….

A pirates life for me, a pirates life for me….

Exercising Cruelty

I go jogging quite a bit and here is a question for those annoying black flies that end up in your eye, semi-blinding you for half an hour whilst you try to get it out.

It’s called:

Questions For The Smallest Aviators.

If a fly
Has the whole sky
To fly
And so many eyes
To navigate by
Into my eye
To die?

Editing headfuck

What kind of head fuck is editing?
Nothing makes me question why I write more.
It’s like the death at the end of the soliloquy,
The silent note at the end of the score.

It’s the nagging voice that says, ‘I am unfinished.’
The stain on the blushing bride’s train.
It is something in which Hope is diminished.
Self belief comes under great strain.

It’s the questioning of questions and questions.
The cutting of the granite and clay.
The forced turning of creativity’s windmill,
On a breezeless day.

It is divorced from glee and celebration.
It is a hike through a wordy morass.
It’s like running for the fun train at the station,
Then watching it sail past.

Editing is the extra shift on all Fridays
That furrows the lines in the frown.
It’s the purgatory at the end of all my days.
But at least I’ve written it down.

Business Speak 3 – what a load of mallards

He said ‘To be fair…’ before everything (yet had brown hair?)
He and his colleagues were all manicured, swathed in the same homogenised pungent bodyspray.
They called each other gents (even the women.)
They swing their arms like orang-utans when they walk and this is what they said…

‘Can we have an impact response to that?’
‘Who’s core responsibility is driving that?’
‘What’s the KPI on the PPE?’
‘I may be going back twenty years, but can’t we just email them?’
‘It was two point two five, then it was two point thirdy then it was two point three five.’
‘Look. Listen.’
It was very important for this particular ‘gent’ to have all of his ducks in a row. Why did he have ducks? Why did he want them lined up? Is this hard for ducks because of the waddle factor?

To be fair, I am really not that bothered. I wonder if he talks like that at the weekend?
Rant over – going to get on with enjoying this glorious weekend.