Business Speak 3 – what a load of mallards

He said ‘To be fair…’ before everything (yet had brown hair?)
He and his colleagues were all manicured, swathed in the same homogenised pungent bodyspray.
They called each other gents (even the women.)
They swing their arms like orang-utans when they walk and this is what they said…

‘Can we have an impact response to that?’
‘Who’s core responsibility is driving that?’
‘What’s the KPI on the PPE?’
‘I may be going back twenty years, but can’t we just email them?’
‘It was two point two five, then it was two point thirdy then it was two point three five.’
‘Look. Listen.’
It was very important for this particular ‘gent’ to have all of his ducks in a row. Why did he have ducks? Why did he want them lined up? Is this hard for ducks because of the waddle factor?

To be fair, I am really not that bothered. I wonder if he talks like that at the weekend?
Rant over – going to get on with enjoying this glorious weekend.

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Business Speak 2 – more gobbledygook from the world of morons

I have had a few more business speak classics thrown my way by friends and fellow bloggers. I might start a collection. Might even rebrand my blog (whatever the f@&k rebrand means?!)

Here they are. All real. All examples of the kind of gimp faced twattery the worst of us are capable of. It makes me shudder.
Enjoy.
And why not send me some of your personal faves? I’ll post them next time round.

Boss to female colleague at bar-
‘…don’t be afraid to use all your weapons. They are yours and the customer does not know you have them.’
(It’s amazing that a pair of brogues, a yellow jumper draped over the shoulders and a senior job title can still do little to cloak the fact that he was an utter stale cod smelling smear of a man.)

‘I consciously examine my own hypotheses.’
(It’s a shame you don’t go and subconsciously throw yourself off a cliff.)

‘I will wear a ‘quality hat’ every day.’
(And substandard shoes?)

‘I track targets with a wide lens.’
(And look for my brain cells with a telephoto.)

‘I am forensic in producing data.’
(They call me the Quincy of the business world.)

I have similar feelings towards people who ‘roll’ things out.
That’s fine if it’s a ball, marbles, new carpet or dough…but ideas are not always spherical.
Bollocks are.
(Well kind of)

That is my weekend rant over.
Add to it if you like, if not, thanks for dropping by.

Business speak – 110% Outside the box

Before you read on, I must profess I am not an expert in grammar or that punctuation they are have now days. You know, that stuff you read about on the internet and things. But…

I have had the misfortune today to be sat in a hotel bar, working (not drinking.)

 

As if working (not drinking) in a bar of any description was not bad enough, I had the double misfortune of listening to some power mad business man rambling on to one of his minions about their company shortcomings and shortgoings (shame there is not such a word.)

 

Here are a few of the things he said:

‘I need you to give 110%.’ – Now I acknowledge this exists as a number but there are multiple problems with this sentence. Firstly, that in the realms of human endeavour there can be more than 100% of anything. Secondly that you should try and quantify something as immeasurable as ‘effort’ into a number. Thirdly, 110% of what? 50?

Is 55 what the man was really after?

 

He went on to ask his colleague to ‘Think outside the box.’

His colleague was not in a box. The only people I have ever seen in a box are dead people, magician’s assistants and my mate Karl who once hurled himself down a flight of stairs inside an empty washing machine box, to see if it would hurt.

It did.

Why assume his colleague was thinking inside one in the first place. Karl was. He was probably thinking something like ‘AAAAARRRGGGHHHH! This hurts.’ I mainly laughed outside of the box and thought I was glad I was not inside it.

Though I did have to give it a try after. 

At times when his colleague was providing him with some box free thinking, he would answer his mobile phone mid-sentence and then call whoever was on the other end ‘buddy’ with a slight American accent. Was he being called by Americans and trying to emulate their friendliness and cadence? Had he told a potential client he was American in order to win a large transatlantic contract with a multi conglomerate box manufacturer? Was the person who telephoned called Buddy AND Dave, the two names he used whilst he was on the phone?

 

When he was talking he began lots of sentences with ‘obviously’ too. A redundant word. I mean, if it is obvious, why say it? 

 

He was ‘going forward’ quite a bit too. Going backwards or sideways was not an option with this man. Or up. And he did not mention the velocity of travel either, or which way he was facing. I mean, one man’s forward can be another man’s backwards.

He proclaimed ‘to be honest’ in front of some of the things he said. The rest, OBVIOUSLY lies.

But the one that got me the most (and I am not flawless in my command of the English language. I have been known to begin a sentence with but, or forget to close brackets…. the worse thing he said, most often repeated was;

‘with regards to’

What’s wrong with ‘about’? Eh?