We enter our lives upside down and should leave it the same way: so that our pockets may be emptied, our heads full and so that our inverted frown may be our last smiling goodbye to the world.
At a services halfway up the A1 somewhere near Doncaster, there was an advert on the men’s toilet wall that read;
“1 in 5 men suffer with premature ejaculation.”
Surely it’s the women who suffer isn’t it?
Though I wouldn’t know…
…I’m normally asleep by then.
Why do people with convertibles not put the top of their car down on a sunny day?
Isn’t that defeating the point of owning one in the first place?
Isn’t that like carrying but not opening an umbrella in the rain?
Isn’t that like having the internet but not writing meaningless crap all over it?
My daughter dressed up for her school ‘pirate’ day.
We have had environment (green) day and sports day, which I both fully endorse…but..
Why? What will this teach her?
That pillaging and plundering for a living is good?
That yo ho ho is the proper way to laugh?
What the word ‘skulduggery’ means.
That pantaloons are making a comeback?
That ransacking and looting is a genuine career choice?
That having an eye or leg missing is no bad thing?
That crocodiles tick?
That Captain Phillips had it all wrong?
That having parrots stapled to your shoulder is a good idea (beautiful plumage the Norweigan Blue)
Who needs milk when you can have rum?
That timbers shiver?
That lubbing land is bad?
How is this improving her education? Are pirates good role models? I mean they never have them dressing up as say a bureaucrat, or theatre critic or TV chef or politician…. actually, come to think of it….
A pirates life for me, a pirates life for me….
For Fathers Day I had the choice of
what to do.
I chose to drive to the seaside, watch My daughter’s donkey ride, share a paddle with her in the sub-zero North Sea, lose at the arcade machines, have my arm mangled and half eaten on the ghost train (not by a werewolf, but by my 5 year old girl), eat ice cream despite the windchill, over eat my fish and chip dinner, sing loudly on the way back home after nailing eye spy for half an hour. Heaven.
Normality is heaven.
(Though sometimes only bad news make us ever really appreciate that.)
So to all the Dads, happy Father’s Day.
To all the mums, thanks for making our day even more special.
To all our kids, never stop hanging off our necks (we like it really.)
And to all those who may not have seen their dad’s today because they are no longer with us, remember something good about them and say a toast.
My mug of tea and smoke later will be for you pops.
Now…got some sand to get out of my toes.
Some forgive by sitting on the suitcase lid,
Forcing the jumble down ’til the catches click
And lop shouldered from their weight, cram it under the bed.
Some forgive by pulling the tiny pieces to pieces.
A post mortem scrutiny.
Then cremate it when they understand what the cause of death was.
Some forgive by stowing away the abuse,
Cling film wrapped for freshness,
To be dragged from the fridge for citation and later use.
Some forgive by taking time to cross examine inner thought.
Analyse, dissolve, debate, resolve
Publicised in an open session in court.
Some forgive with a childlike bundling smile,
If you ask me,
That takes real style.
Some do not forgive.
They carry it around like a sharpened hatpin
Waiting to push it in the eye of the person committing the sin.