Mobile telephones – poem

Mobile Phones – a midnight rant.
(freeform unedited poetry)

HEAD DOWN IN SHAME

    You tube, you porn, you rot away,
    Facebook, grace took, retina display.
    Google, gag on http and ham soup,
    Twit your brain down into gigabyte gloop

    Text, predictive,
    L
    O
    L
    Shorten bandwidth, broaden hell
    Favourites, email, apps, returned call
    Down will come handsfree (cradle and all)

    FaceTime,
    Not face to face time.
    Siri,
    Don’t say.
    Compete,
    Whine online.
    No conversation
    Or play.
    Blog,
    Rate,
    Like,
    Recharge
    And Bookmark.
    Kindle your fire
    (to read in the dark.)

    Tablets and handhelds and wifi and pics.
    Bluetooth and waterproof and camera clicks.
    Headaches and hand aches, rsi and no laughs.
    No bite, no water fights and no framed photographs.

    Just a retinal burn,
    The tired cursor, blinks and waits
    For your last clever blog,
    Your software updates.

    And you’ll sit,
    And you’ll sit,
    And you’ll wait for the beep,
    The sounds of your life
    That resounds in your sleep.

    A concoction of misery, an implosion of home,
    Look down, be ashamed of your mobile phone.

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Telephones – Communication let me down

Telephones – why?

Why do we get home phones then get extensions in our home, then put them all over the house, then get base sets that we can use up to 50 yards from our homes, then pick one from thirty different ringtones….then?

Then it rings and we complain. The tutting and grunting that goes off at our place just because someone has the audacity to call us. On our phone. Our actual landline. Us.

To compound it, they are probably only ringing my landline because my mobile ringer has been switched off.

What in the Alexander Graham Hell is that all about?

Business Speak 3 – what a load of mallards

He said ‘To be fair…’ before everything (yet had brown hair?)
He and his colleagues were all manicured, swathed in the same homogenised pungent bodyspray.
They called each other gents (even the women.)
They swing their arms like orang-utans when they walk and this is what they said…

‘Can we have an impact response to that?’
‘Who’s core responsibility is driving that?’
‘What’s the KPI on the PPE?’
‘I may be going back twenty years, but can’t we just email them?’
‘It was two point two five, then it was two point thirdy then it was two point three five.’
‘Look. Listen.’
It was very important for this particular ‘gent’ to have all of his ducks in a row. Why did he have ducks? Why did he want them lined up? Is this hard for ducks because of the waddle factor?

To be fair, I am really not that bothered. I wonder if he talks like that at the weekend?
Rant over – going to get on with enjoying this glorious weekend.

Death and Disney – a shocking list!

Disney films – go straight for the heart of kids and parents’ darkest fears. Though they are mainly kids films it surprises me to think of how many of them have orphans or children estranged / lost from their parents as a theme. Check out this list. Its from the top of my head so, there may be inaccuracies or omissions. Feel free to add or correct me in comments.

Here’s a quick, and by no means exhaustive list:

Anna and Elsa – Frozen (orphaned)

Bambi (Mum dead, Dad posing in the woods)Nemo – Finding Nemo (lost)

Dumbo (Separated from Mum (gets me evreytime!))

Simba – Lion King (Dad dead)

Peter Pan (Lost boy, no parents)

Tarzan (Orphaned and raised by monkeys)

Mowgli – Jungle Book (orphaned and brought up by bankers)

Aristocats (No Dad)

Snow white (Evil stepmother)

Cinderella (Evil stepmother)

Sleeping Beauty (Put into sleep and taken far away from family),

Rapunzel (Stolen by witch)

Belle (No mother, Dad kidnapped)

Pinocchio (No parents and an insect for a conscience.)

101 Dalmations (Stolen from parents)

Little Mermaid (No mum)

Oliver (Orphaned)

Penny – Rescuers (Orphaned)

Tod – Fox and Hound – (Orphaned)

 

I know, I know it isn’t all Disney – Harry Potter, Despicable Me, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – The list goes on and on…..

Business Speak 2 – more gobbledygook from the world of morons

I have had a few more business speak classics thrown my way by friends and fellow bloggers. I might start a collection. Might even rebrand my blog (whatever the f@&k rebrand means?!)

Here they are. All real. All examples of the kind of gimp faced twattery the worst of us are capable of. It makes me shudder.
Enjoy.
And why not send me some of your personal faves? I’ll post them next time round.

Boss to female colleague at bar-
‘…don’t be afraid to use all your weapons. They are yours and the customer does not know you have them.’
(It’s amazing that a pair of brogues, a yellow jumper draped over the shoulders and a senior job title can still do little to cloak the fact that he was an utter stale cod smelling smear of a man.)

‘I consciously examine my own hypotheses.’
(It’s a shame you don’t go and subconsciously throw yourself off a cliff.)

‘I will wear a ‘quality hat’ every day.’
(And substandard shoes?)

‘I track targets with a wide lens.’
(And look for my brain cells with a telephoto.)

‘I am forensic in producing data.’
(They call me the Quincy of the business world.)

I have similar feelings towards people who ‘roll’ things out.
That’s fine if it’s a ball, marbles, new carpet or dough…but ideas are not always spherical.
Bollocks are.
(Well kind of)

That is my weekend rant over.
Add to it if you like, if not, thanks for dropping by.